Once..

Do you ever feel that the disciplined life that you lead is too stringent at times ?  Or maybe too mundane and too predictable? We, the ones too afraid to push the boundaries of stereotypes at times, the ones who have never experienced the 'thrill' of living dangerously on the edge, are always demure about flouting the self imposed rules and regulations. Why though? Do we fear the unpredictable impulsiveness or simply the lack of a 'routine' or schedule governing our lives, our hours, our minutes and the seconds? One of the postulated reasons may be the maladaptive nature of human psyche. Adjustments are always difficult, especially when you've been following a particular lifestyle for a prolonged period of time.  If Early to bed early to rise is our motto, going to bed at 2 am would be harbinger of absolute havoc the next day. Waking up late only to realize that you've missed an important class or meeting would be highly injudicious, practically speaking. But  sometimes the inflexibility of self made rules are perplexing. How about you cut slack on that unrealistic diet of one bowl salad and rice for dinner, and indulge in that pilaf or biriyani? Satiating your cravings isn't a sin mind you. Instead of worrying around that expanding waste line, imagine the soft succulent tenderly cooked beef tossed in the pristine white rice, with the gravy-enveloped potatoes playing a game of hide and seek with you. Irresistible and tempting the kebabs and the parathas await to be devoured by your canines, molars and premolars. For once stop listening to the playlist you've memorized by now. Go for a change, go crazy with those tacky, yet titillating ''backdated'' songs of the yesteryear. Sing at the top of your lungs in the bathroom, cram a few oreos and cheetos when hunger pangs hit at midnight. Talk your heart out, when your confidante cum cousin decides on an impromptu sleepover,
Laugh,  giggle, snigger, smirk
You never know how time flies,and maybe one day
You'll regret not being able to break the barriers.
For once..

Teaser..

Her eyes were scanning the winding serpentine road. Where is he? He should be home by now

The crease on her forehead was becoming permanent, and no matter how much she tried to breathe, exhale the insidious thoughts out of her, she was falling prey to her fears. The green button on her phone was on the verge of dislocation, given the number of times she had dialed his number during the last hour. She took a deep breath. Im being excessively paranoid. He’s probably stuck in a tailback.

She carried her famished self to the dining hall. The expensive china, cutlery all had been laid out. Her olfactory organs were sensitized by the aroma of the mutton ‘Chaap’. It had turned out well, much to her relief. He wasn’t much of an epicure, but it was the sole culinary delight that could bring him to his knees. Not even she could do that. She smiled. It was a pity that she couldn’t indulge in any of it. She had been gripped with an overwhelming feeling of nausea over the past one week, whenever she smelt protein. While regurgitating the morsels for the third time, it had hit her like a thunderbolt.

Could it be that? Could she really be...?

She had looked at her pale   reflection in the mirror and almost died out of euphoria.

Had she been bequeathed with the divine fulfillment ? Motherhood?

And indeed she had been. When the kit turned a pale blue, she cried out in joy.

A baby. Our baby. She wanted to dance and jump and squeal.

I’ll give him a surprise. It was going to be the best day of his life.

She had waited patiently for a week. It felt like an eternity. Every minute she fought the indomitable urge to tell him.

Patience, she pacified herself. Patience is the key.

Finally, I’m going to break it to him today.

The shrill sound of the doorbell, roused her from the reverie.

He was back. Half walking, half running she reached the ornate front door and wrenched it open, almost trembling in anticipation.

He stood there, with that lopsided smirk accentuating his masculinity like never before. He winked..

‘’kept you waiting, did i?, he whispered as he drew closer and closed the door shut.

‘’ why weren’t you picking up my calls?,’’ . the tears were falling thick and fast, like a downpour.

He fished his phone out of his pocket in one swift movement. he gesticulated at the blank screen. Were phone chargers dinosaurs? Moron.

She wanted to scream, rant, disembowel a fierce tirade of accusations and complaints.

Before she could do any of that, he pulled her into an embrace.

‘’happy anniversary, love’, his calm, sonorous voice caressed her ears. She was clinging to him like a creeper did to a fence, like a fragrance does to a body. Her tears stained his shirt, as she placed her reddened checks on his broad shoulder.

I love you  darling. More than you love your oily, deep fried ‘chaap’…

P.s This is an extract from a story I penned a few months back. :)

Breakdowns..

Sometimes when I look at my reflection in the mirror,  I cannot  help but  wonder  how on earth have I managed to grow up as  such. From the miniscule, itsy bitsy, teeny tiny hands and feet, with an endearing vulnerability to a fully grown,feisty adult - the  transition was magnanimous, and yet so inconspicuous.  It's nothing like waking up one fine morning and discovering that you're physiognomy mysteriously augmented  overnight, but  a gradual and almost undetectable change. It's strange as well as fascinating how once awkward,  gangly teenagers suddenly metamorphose to beautiful belles and    outrageously looking charmers, and see how all those acne outbreaks and pimple horrors just stop recurring one day. The terrifying years of  puberty doesn't haunt you any more, as you grin covertly after  reminiscing those days of i-am-neither-adult-nor-child imbroglios. Yes , life was indeed a roller coaster ride, you secretly admit.  The childhood crushes and fancies are a million lightyears away, the teenage obsessions and infatuations have somehow managed to obliterate themselves and voila. You're not the same person anymore. Now it's absurd to point at random people and burst into peels of boisterous laughter, incongruous to attempt to imprint the whole history book in your exhausted memory the night before an exam and absolutely  tactless to delude oneself into believing that the world is a wish granting factory. You can paint colorful dreams, but expecting all of them to come to life, would be highly asinine.
 We learn to construct various facades as we grow up, trying to hide those idiosyncrasies and eccentricities under a veil of stereotypes. We are afraid to speak our minds, to voice our thoughts and vacillating on whether to be straightforward or juts take the leeway of "neutrality". We forget that happiness is being yourself in a world which is constantly trying to change us . Our tongue doesn't give a taste of our hearts, but our calculative  minds. We disintegrate ourselves into countless characters, one for each of our loved ones.
 For once, for a second,  for a minute..
 Can't we be whole? And not broken? ..

Why?..

Why did you have to come back all of a sudden?

  Haven’t you wrecked too much havoc already?

The wounds you left me with are yet to heal.

 Scars and bruises of such unspeakable wounds remain etched in my heart till today

. Its strange isn’t it?

  You being an apathetic, stoic charlatan  whereas I stand on the other end of the spectrum, defenseless and timorous.

  Indescribable agony may have hardened my heart to the core, as I still grapple with conscience which asks me to forgive you

. I once came across these wise words-‘’ forgiveness is the highest, most beautiful form of love, So forgive much”.

Before I forgive you, I should know what wrong you have committed shouldn’t I?,

Im unaware of it. I was. And I still am. I assume, not all questions have a succinct answer.

Some missing pieces are lost forever.

Thus all we are left with is an incomplete puzzle.

An unfinished story,  with no ending.

A labyrinth with no exit.

 How does one escape from its serpentine mazes?

You came like a breeze, but left like a noreaster.

 leaving a  battered, uprooted tree behind.

I was gullible to believe that  a few rustled leaves wouldn’t hurt.

But now when I look at my patched and frayed heart, I realize how credulous I was

My naivete became my doom.

 i lived inside a box, and I let you lift the lid to let sunlight enter.

 I wish I knew, the hand which opened the lid, would be the one to open a  Pandora’s Box.

A folly that I will always regret.

An precipitous, implausible act of fatuousness.

But then again, I forgot the golden rule of man’s existence.

Everything that comes together, falls apart one day.

 Like marvelous edifices of glory which turn decrepit over the passage of time

like a the human soul whose vulnerability is exposed as the sand in the hourglass slowly accumulates on the opposite side

 we lose threads of surreal moments of indescribable  joy and euphoria

. The threads unravel one by one, as  the ephemeral veil disintegrates by itself.

Have you ever tried to repair fragments of broken china?

If you have, you might know that no matter how much of an effort you put in finding all the pieces, some infinitesimal atom or molecule is always lost

 The moment you push it from a precipice or the edge of table, its fate is sealed.

Do you still have the missing pieces?

Or have you discarded them already?

You left silently, without leaving a footprint, effacing all mementoes, memorabilia  that might trigger the numbing grief.

You should have disappeared  forever.

But you decided to come back.

To haunt me, torment, exacerbate my misery.

Unanswered questions, unsolved mysteries, and clouds .

Thick grey clouds of  conundrum.

 asphyxiating  and depressing.

Quagmires are like quicksand.

the more you struggle to survive, the deeper you sink.

I immersed so deep, that it is beginning to drown me.

How cruel could you be, to leave me in such a state? 

What are you? A notorious bandit who eludes captivity ?

A sorcerer with otherworldly powers of transforming into wisps of smoke?

Or just a huge question mark in my life ?

Now that you have embraced oblivion again, I pray with all  dedication and devotion

That you must never, reappear. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

And maybe then, my wounds will finally embalm themselves

And my lugubrious heart will stop searching for its missing vestige..

And my imprisoned soul will be freed..

Again..

Finding the Key

I have always felt that we yearn for a perpetual state of beatitude.  We want everything to be perfect, ideal and flawless.  Being conscious of the fact that  utopia is just an illusory and abstract concept  that transgresses  the boundaries of realism, we make the folly of  expecting  life to be  a perennial  harbinger of  halcyon.  So when ripples start to appear in that perfectly tranquil sea of ours,  instead of  navigating  our ships like an intrepid sailor, we plummet in an endless  abyss of despondence and  hopelessness.  Consequence? The boat eventually capsizes, and we are swept away by gargantuan, undulating waves of despair.

How would I define a ripple? Well it is analogous to the disturbance we see in waters, yet completely disparate.  If one is discerning enough to ponder, have we ever looked carefully at fishes in a pond or any other water body? These aquatic creatures live amidst the countless, innumerable ripples that intermittently distort  the  still water surface. But what are the sources of these unobtrusive circular waves of   disturbance? The  fishes  themselves.

Indeed we are akin to these fishes,  because  the ripples that so often leave us fazed and perplexed are the ones we  are  inadvertently  responsible for.  Every turbulence that wrecks havoc in  our lives has a purpose and  every deadly conflagration that leaves us scarred and scathed  are nothing but clarion calls- that the world we are so unceremoniously immersed in is NOT a fairy tale out of the pages of a Disney book, where ‘’happily ever after ‘’ prevails after every mishap.  That our existence  is a merely a fleeting  and ephemeral phenomenon,  synonymous to a transient journey in a time machine, pausing for a modicum of  seconds before we are transported to that ultimate destination.

Life is hard. It is a very pellucid statement, however the underlying meaning is as tortuous  as  calculus would appear  to a  first grader.  Apart from the trivial predicaments  that encumber us on a daily basis,  once in a while,  unsettling trials and tribulations pervade our lives, and like discourteous  men, they never bother to knock our doors.  Uncalled for and  ‘gratuitous’, they are hurled at us like tennis bolls utterly impervious to the laws of gravity, and plonk plonk…down we go..

‘’when you’re going through something  hard and you wonder where Allah( SWT) is, remember the teacher is always quiet during a test’’

-Nouman Ali Khan..

The profundity of this statement is ineffably amazing. At the time I am  penning this article, albeit  like a fledgling , my befuddled brain is recuperating from the trauma inflicted by  an indescribably rotten and abysmal exam.   The maladies are mutable, from person to person-  ranging from frustrating careers, unraveling marriages,  burdensome  societal  obligations to  random bouts of depression and morbidity , we are incontrovertibly vulnerable to such cataclysms.  Some are anomalously gifted with the ability to conceal their emotions and  don  an impeccably sanguine veneer, while others are just  explicitly dolorous. This is  probably why we should never be judgmental as  we never know what makes a person think, act, react or behave in a particular way. Who knows what  that petulant woman at the office desk  has to endure at home or what compromises  the  magnate,  who lives a prosperous life has to make with his conscience every day?

 ‘Dithering , pondering  and procrastinating  are  three most  irrevocable  traits of humans. We regret after acting precipitously, lament over paltry losses. But we forget that to regret is human, and to repent is muslim. To hurt is human but to forgive is muslim..and most importantly- to need is human..but to ask from Almighty is Muslim..Yes we are erroneous, and most of the time doggedly intractable, but are not the torchbearers of a religion that  disseminates hope and  positivity in chaos? Is His unimpeachable  decree not sufficient to consolidate our belief?

 

When we look into our lives, we look for a consistent trend- a perfect parabola or a straight line with a constant gradient.  To those who loathe  math,  it is highly  apposite  as we delve into this recondite concept.  It is foolhardy to try to sketch our lives in the form of such  surreal straight curves and  lines because it  is a serpentine journey which  sprawls  over such a colossal span. Our future is deprived of  the element of  certitude, yet the  fortress of  unquestioned faith on His volitions, must stand  impregnable .

‘’When you suffer a loss, remember that Almighty rewards you upon your  patience and endurance..far more than what you have lost’’.

 

When we stumble across a mighty, unwieldy boulder and  fall flat on our faces what is it that we do? Stand up, brush clean as if the soil never grimed our faces.  Likewise,  we tackle  the difficulties  that  we must,  invariably come to terms with , without being  unnerved or daunted. But how?

Every locked door has a key. All we have to do is find it. As onerous as it sounds, we must ingrain the  perception that the pain we are  feeling today cannot compare to the joy that is imminent.  While bemoaning our failures in life,  we always  forgo the  purpose behind its creation- to make us stronger, resilient and  patient.  Just like heat purifies a precious metal,  suffering and sorrow  decontaminates our blackened hearts, and as clichéd as it sounds, our hearts are not as ethereal as glass. Because glass shatters, and diamonds do not..

All our life we look for an elusive key- the key to happiness, the key to success, the key to prosperity and plenitude..and the never-ending list continues. We are blinded by grandiose, wealth and   fettered by materialism as we strive to achieve  the very best of this world, when  all the time the key was concealed somewhere within ourselves.  No matter what talent, experience  and knowledge we have, only His favor can assist us in reaching places we could never have  traversed on our own

‘I  always  believed I was the missing puzzle, but never realized I was a whole new maze to be unlocked’..

If you have the courage to be that maze,  the key to  bliss awaits you.  It is a privilege to shed tears of joy and contentment..but not everyone deserves it..:)

 

 

 

 

  

 

Silence..

Sometimes when my eyes are closed,
I hear you whispering, your words inaudible,
and your breath, warm against my ears..
I strain my ears, keeping my eyelids tightly shut
and listen, to the sonorous crescendos,
The throaty, yet soothing ramblings..
Like  radiant sunlight in a frozen tundra
Like a torrential downpour of shooting stars
On a clear, iridescent night..
Like the first monsoon rain,
Like a tempting oasis amidst the desert..
Like the salty, sea breeze caressing my rebellious strands..
On one of those suffocating days of pain and anguish
Curled up in a dark corner, I listen intently..
To the voice that heals, that embalms,
soft, gentle, like a sweet serenade..
I smile, even if I've lost everything..
Immune to the heartache, the broken, shattered dreams
I cherish, I preserve..
Instead of letting go..
and then I open my exhausted eyes, smeared with the grains of kohl..
To a brutal silence..
A silence so piercing, so excruciating..
A silence no chaos can dispel..

Unheard Echoes..

Life isn't what we always assume, or how we expect it to be. From childhood to adolescence, all we seek is obsession. Obsession with cartoons, action figures and pseudo heroes, and as we grow up the childish, immature fascinations turn into infatuations. Boys idolize sportsmen, singers, headbangers, rock stars whereas girls dedicate their teenage to handsome actors, entertainers, and even athletes( the broad shouldered, manly ones). Like cologne, these phases evaporate as quickly as they diffuse, when reality finally dawns upon us, shattering the farcical mirages we believed in. Artificial and airbrushed, the collagen  and botox injected faces no longer withhold the charisma and charm which they once emanated, not because they aren't as perfect as before, but because our eyes can pervade through the facades. And then there are the struggles of life itself, which transcend the realms of romanticism, inevitably thrusting us into the coarse hands of reality. We finally remove the blindfold at one point, and come face to face with the real world.
 A world plagued with  racial persecution, religious intolerance, fundamentalism and prejudices isn't liveable, yet we languish in the deepest, darkest pits of injustice everyday. The bloodbaths, genocides and human rights violations that erupt across the world may not wound us physically, but the psychological traumas of having to sit in front of the idiot box, and watch blood soaked, grotesque corpses being carried away, is a torture of its own kind. Imitating an ostrich and burying one's head in the sand might help ease the mental turmoil, but ignorance to such atrocities is considered as a sign of insensitivity and apathy, an allegation not worth being accused of.  When you  question the shameful impotence of ''peacekeeping'' organizations in putting an end to communal violence, riots and bombings  ripping apart nations, the reciprocation is as vexing as the silence of convicted criminals.Nobody cares.
We,as an ummah, are enduring one of the worst phases of our existence. Ramifications of being a Muslim manifests itself in widespread and mindless subjection to unjust prejudices, persecutions and condemnations everywhere. All over the world, fingers are being pointed at the sanctity of our religion, questioning the verisimilitude of our holy scriptures and figures that command devotion and emulation are being ridiculed..yes ISIS, taliban, Al qaeda and countless other cults have besmirched our identify and left us in tatters, but does that mean that we deserve to be eyed with suspicion,fear and contempt wherever we go? It isn't just about being bombed and shelled by the west like Afghanistan and Palestine has been for decades, nor about the massacres in Norway and Egypt and sporadic violence erupting in France, or the unthinkable bloodshed, anarchy in Syria, nor the genocide against children in Pakistan ..it's a lot more than what we see,hear, think, believe or imagine
It's Islamophobia and it's a thousand times more pernicious..
May He grant us strength and forbearance..

Daring enough?..

So we live in a patriarchal society. No, a male dominated world actually. But nothing’s new about that.

We women, exist, free-spirited and unfazed, trying to subvert the patriarchal paradigm.

Yeah, that’s a utopian statement. So you better not  attempt to dissect its verisimilitude.

But then again,  despite all our worldly struggles, we’re always the one to be on the ’’receiving end’’. Receive what, you may ask?

Well let’s talk  about the typical Bengali psyche. Sure, we’re amazingly resilient, flexible and adaptive. We have quite a reputation for being tremendously hardworking and hospitable, and fiercely emotional, in a good and a bad way. We revel in our nationalism and patriotism runs in our blood.

Now let’s look at the other side of the coin shall we?

See, our respectable Bengali ‘’bhaiyas’’(brothers) and ‘’ mamas’’( maternal uncles) and ‘’chachas’’( paternal uncles) like to acknowledge womanhood, so much so that they need to ogle and gape at their female counterparts. Those of you who travel by public transport, maneuver in and out of the bustling streets and are ‘’accidentally’’ bumped into, know what exactly where Im heading. Don’t gasp or frown. Its reality and you have to face it.

So how do we counteract the ‘’fleeting’’ gazes or ‘’cursory glances’’ or the 360 degree rotation of heads  whenever a woman is nearby? How to put a stop to the sudden escalation in the volume of ‘’ my name is sheila’’ and ‘’ munni badnam’’ when you walk past a tea stall?

A list of five possible tips. But implement them at your own risk anyway.

1.       When you’re seated in a public transport, lets say one of those ramshackled intercity  ‘’murir tins’’ , and you feel the awkward eyes boring into you, why not start a staring competition? Something like ‘’the one who blinks first loses’’. Stare straight into his eyes, and keep staring continuously, unblinking. If he’s not ashamed and accepts defeat first, well maybe you’re  just unfortunate enough to have to tolerate such a creep.

2.       You’ve seen heath ledger’s manic grin as ‘’ the Joker’’ right? Try practicing it in front of the mirror the night before you head out to work or class. It might just come in handy when you walk past that ‘’mudi dokan’’(small kiosks) or ‘’ biriyani house’’ in your neighborhood. The waiter and manager will never dare to throw you ‘’the dirty look’ again’.

3.       V for vendetta. What has that got to do with this? Everything, according to me.  Harassed by the male colleague who has nothing better to do than to peep into your cubicle every minute or so? First peep, and give him that murderous look you see the mother in law’s  giving to their’’ bahus’’  in every hindi serial. Mute the sounds of thunder and lightning, and you’re good to go. I would suggest watching an episode or two of Kokila and Gopi bahu( whatever the name of the  soap opera) to master the art of ‘’looks that kill’’.

4.       Now if you’re out shopping with your friend or just roaming around the mall, you might just as well attract the unwanted attention of the salesmen around. Solution?  Point at them and giggle and laugh like crazy, like you’re watching a comedy movie. They’’ll just be freaked out. Also applicable for the ‘’salman khan’’ wannabe of your area, mounted on that motorbike and donning outrageous shades and skin tight clothes.

5.       The last one will take a lot of guts, but if you can pull it off with the right kind  of demeanor, you’ll hit the bull’s eye. Approach the gaping gigolo  at the bus station or streets or underpasses and ask ludicrous questions like’’ bhai genji ta kotha theke kinsen? Amake diben?( Brother where did you buy your shirt from, Can I have it?'')’’ or ‘’ bhaiya apnar pant ta kintu sheiiii, ami chai’’( your pants are very fashionable, could you lend them to me?''). Sure, they all sound perverted but the best way to deal with  such species is to treat them the way they treat us.  But this tactic is not  very advisable  if you have hordes of people around you. Might as well save yourself the embarrassment.

  Yes, it is a natural human inclination to appreciate beauty and beautiful things, but that doesn’t give men unimpeachable authorization to  rape a woman with their eyes.  Its okay to for your mouth to water when you see the latest Nike mercurials, akin to our expression on seeing a gorgeous pair of Jimmy Choo’s or Louboutins.  Or a bag of cheetos since we’re not on a diet 24/7.

But neither are we shoes nor are we food . remember?

There you go. Five magic techniques to get you through the day to day trials of being a woman.   But it doesn’t guarantee you the anticipated remedy, mind it. I haven’t given them a shot.

But there’s always a first  time to everything..;)