Thursday 27 August 2015

Nemesis

What happens on one fine day, when you wake up to realize someone's permanent obliteration from your  life. That moment when it dawns upon you like thousand waves crashing upon an embankment, that the ever so familiar face will no longer smile back at you, hold you in a warm embrace, or shower you with unparalleled love A sudden painful thought you are grappling with, making it all the more tormenting. Unforeseen and unceremonious, the obtrusive absence,  carries a disturbing message, a terrifying clarion call..
' And certainly every soul shall taste death...'(3:185)
Life' s nemesis is just a breath way...

Thursday 16 July 2015

Jargon

Whenever I sit with a note pad and pen these days, it seems I am at a loss for words. It is not that my sensitivity has suffered irrevocable damage or that I am no longer capable of feeling the queer mixture of emotional jargon. It is probably a phase of temporary incompetence rather than stoicism, that I sometimes experience difficulty in expressing my thoughts in words. I would not say that it is a condition akin to writer's block. After a long span of elaborate pondering, I've realized that my sudden reluctance towards writing hasn't got anything  to do with and is neither remotely related to the symptoms of any 'disease'. It is simply because I do not wish to bestow myself with the honorable title of 'writer' yet, until I am ready to fully comprehend the magnificence of creating magic with words. For some, writing may be as easy as sitting with a typewriter and bleeding, while for a few unfortunate others, it may be what they call ' a privilege'. My aversion towards writing on the other hand compels to pick up a pen, which I assume culminates from the fear that a sabbatical from one of my favorite hobbies would lead to permanent dysfunctionality.
I have been experiencing flashes of certain disconcerting images nevertheless, for the past few days during occasional naps. Unsettling as they may be, I have failed to decipher these scattered and digressive dreams. There are certain characters within these dreams whom I do not wish to visualize, for they are painful reminders of wounds whose scars are yet to fade. Strong as I may appear on the outside,I am not ashamed to acknowledge  my vulnerability. But all in all, I cannot bear to see cracks appearing on my veneer.
It was and it is my pain. And  must therefore remain that way.

Thursday 9 July 2015

The Call.

How do you really define mercy? Or compassion?
 When you were a toddler, you were always up to some  mischief or another. Fast forward ten to twelve years, you're still the troublemaker poltergeist, except for the fact that the magnitude of your mistakes were no longer the same, and the enormity changed with time. Now does that mean your mother, who always manages to catch you red handed, embroiled in your 'not-so-tolerable' misdemeanor, chucks you out of the house and god forbid if your father is an accidental witness to your 'colorful exploits' , disinherits you ?  They will admonish, chastise and when needed hand out severe punishments. But do they ever leave your side or abandon you when you need them the most? Do they refuse to acknowledge you as their offspring even after you've repeated the same mistake, for the millionth time ?
They love you unconditionally, and know you better than you do yourself. They know you are vulnerable and prone to error. That is why they forgive, and forget. Their love is indeed their mercy.
This is why you are forgiven when you've sinned. Because your lord is compassionate. Forgiving,
Because he loves you. With all your vices and virtues. With the good and the bad, the black and white. Pure and Impure.
When you ask him to protect you when nobody else can, solve your problems when everything else fails, show you the right way when you realize you're stranded and lost in the middle of nowhere, grant you ease when the hardships and sufferings won't cease, strengthen you when you're frail and weak, give you courage when even the slightest challenge fills you with an unknown fear..
He knows you have come back to him. It may have taken you days, months or years..
But He knew. He always knew. That something inside you will change, that the misplaced key to your locked heart will be found. That your barrenness will become a fountain of faith.
All you need to do is ask. Call upon him.Open up to him. Reveal what you have sealed within you.
Indeed He is the Turner of hearts. And indeed the best of listeners.
So dial his number at least once in the next few days.He awaits your call.
And I promise you, the network is never busy.

Wednesday 8 July 2015

Alone..

There will always be people who seem to be endlessly occupied or burdened. Maybe they are, in a true sense. Maybe they aren't. What matters is how they treat you when you are in need of their companionship. 'I'm busy right now' may sound like a few innocuous syllables but strangely it shows your place in that particular individual's life. That they will not go out of their way to ensure you're okay. Even if you had no intention to bother or perturb them and you're rather overwhelmingly guilty to share your inconsequential problems but the way you are silently pushed away reinforces the tingling feeling you've ignored for long, that no matter how much you try and convince yourself, you are not at all important or significant to them.
It is probably then you recall,that you were advised not to have soaring expectations from creations of God. Flawed and imperfect as they are, they will fail you one day or the other. Think of it like a report card. Consecutive straight A's catapult your expectations to infinity, so much so that the one tiny B that suddenly appears is earth shattering nevertheless. Don't expect people to be perfect , spotless report cards. Rather learn to lower them,from their pedestals so that disappointments won't hit you like bullets.
At the end of the day, you always ALWAYS have Him. The one who never abandons, one who is ever present and always listening. your most trusted confidante, and the keeper of all your secrets. Ask him, beg him to relieve you of whatever feels burdensome..
Maybe alone is what you have.
Alone is what protects you...

Friday 3 July 2015

Absence

When all of a sudden someone whom you've cherished till today for keeping  your deepest darkest secrets buried in their heart, for being the ideal confidante when you needed them,  for essaying  the role of a psychiatrist cum counsellor every time you suffer a heartbreak is about to embark on a new journey in life, you realize that this time, you're probably not going  to be a part of it. Marriage is supposed to  bring certain fundamental,  irrefutable changes to one's life not just on a temporary basis, but perhaps for as long as they breathe their last. Certain relationships become more vital than others, and are undoubtedly given more priority whereas some are compelled to take the back seat. Quite often people tend to overlook this intriguing bitter truth about marriages, that when one commits herself or himself to a lifelong and hopefully everlasting relationship which simultaneously results in a kind of abandonment of old ties. One is no longer answerable to those people  anymore and as time passes the distance between them proliferate.
 You are nevertheless very happy for that person. Their joy is contagious and you cannot help but smile at their anticipation and nervousness. But somewhere deep down you know it will never be the same again. No late night lamenting on how thick as concrete you are, hour long phone conversations that  ceased to end even  after 2 hours, and no laughing over absolutely frivolous jokes on sleepovers. they're leaving.  And they're  not coming  back.
But that's  okay. People don't accept  change gladly when it's  inevitable.  Once it sets in however one has no choice but to adapt. The absence of one person is soon filled up by the presence of another.
And one fine day, everything is alright. You can finally forgive and move on.









Tuesday 30 June 2015

Pain



A few syllables. An untidily scrawled word. Maybe a phrase. Or a few sentences sewn together like a sonnet.
Maybe broken shards of glass. Maybe music that suddenly fills a void, breaking an unnatural, uncanny silence.
Perhaps an image or a figure. A fragrance that lingers. Or a delicious aroma. A page from an unforgettable book, or the first rays of dawn.
It can be anything. Anything that is a reminiscent of what you left behind. Like a fallen feather from a bird that has long eluded captivity, the moments resurface. They flicker feebly as if alive, disseminating a momentary warmth in the frozen tundra.
You feel time rewinding itself, and the hourglass turned upside down. The tears pour silently as you try to hold yourself from falling apart once again and draw quick gasps of breath.
Equanimity settles in after a moment or two. From across, you stare at the reflection in the mirror. Pain etched across the desolate face.
Pain that will recur..
Pain with a palliative..
But pain without healing..

Thursday 25 June 2015

I knew,,

I know. I know that I lied. I deceived. I know I pretended to be indifferent when I was being torn to pieces in the inside. I smiled while my heart wailed. I laughed when it mourned. I simulated normalcy when I knew I was fighting a long lost battle. I knew. I always did.
I faked courage when I was fragile. I concealed everything, when I possessed nothing. I was alive and had died again and again. But I knew. I always did.
Pain which is meant to be truly mine, sufferings whose burden I can never share. I have felt them just the way blood rushes in my veins, the way my heart palpitates, the way I breathe and the way I live. But they were never mine you see. They will never be my own. I realize that I have lived all those moments vicariously, like a parasite feeding off. I have felt emotions which were never mine, and now I must give it all back.  But I knew. I always did.
Yet I walked in with my eyes wide open, in all my consciousness. Perhaps I wished to delude myself for a moment. But I daresay I forgot. I forgot that a moment never lasted for an eternity. They will retreat. Just like waves merely caressing the sea shore.
And now before I finally, truly depart, now that I’ve stopped running away and now that I’ve come to my senses, I will for the very first and last time, speak what I have never spoken.
I have loved you, in a way I have never loved anyone else and nor I will I ever love someone the way I have loved you. Like a silent, unspoken bondage I was yours.
And because I loved you once, I shall release both of us from its chains. Once and for all.
You see, I was a moth drawn to its doom. The moth that was so blatantly magnetized by the perilous fire that would do nothing but extinguish it. I  was prepared to burn, to be perished.
All for the sake of something which was never mine.
But even if I was granted a hundred lifetimes, a hundred infinities.
I shall, irrevocably and inexplicably choose you.
But do know,
 I knew. I always did.


Monday 22 June 2015

MIght ?..

You know it isn't a surprise when you wake up after a long afternoon nap ( ignore the contradiction of  a 'long' nap, because mine almost always are ) thoroughly disconcerted and desolate. If you happen to be 'fortunate' enough to belong to a nuclear family, and at the same  be 'blessed' with working parents, you'll perhaps be very well acquainted with such a phenomena, and I daresay such prolonged hours of solitude are likely to be depressing and mundane. Staying enclosed in the wee hours of daylight, and looking at pictures of people  on your social networking site thoroughly enjoying their holidays at exotic locations is not at all pleasing to the eye and  the friend who so ostentatiously posted a photo of himself  herself paragliding,  bungee jumping , snorkeling or simply having a great time is bound to invoke pangs of envy and longing, if not aggravate your resentment. Wondering why you aren't out there globe trotting or conquering the world and contemplating repeatedly over your mysterious  anti-social behavior will simply exacerbate the feeling of dejection, coupled with the resigned realization that you are indeed, not equipped with the skills of a socialite, and might as well watch the rest of your life waste away while your peers move on to bigger and better dreams. Or so you may think.
Part with your bed or beloved couch for a while and get dressed. Take a walk down the street. A few strides forward, and you'll see the shanty on the pavement, with a huge plastic sheet or scraps of polythene congealed to form a 'roof' . Two children wearing  extremely dirty shabby, patched clothes are playing with rocks afar, and if you wait and watch you might just detect the glee in their faces as their mother beckons them for lunch-a concoction of rice and lentils. The little faces brighten with anticipation. Today is a special day, because for once, their meal doesn't comprise of plain rice, with nothing to accompany it.
Now if your legs may permit, trudge a little further and you encounter the busy traffic on the main road. Amidst the barrage of cars and buses speeding away, you see blurry outline of a policeman stationed right there, and just as you are about to turn away, your eyes might just come across the dark, murky waters almost submerging his knees. You remember it's monsoon and thanks to the amazing sewerage system  the roads  are converted to channels and Venetian canals . But of course you wouldn't know how it feels to be wading the contaminated waters for hours at a stretch do you ?
Oh it just started to rain. As you run in the opposite direction, towards home, you might just see a rickshaw puller pedaling away furiously, as the downpour drenches him from head to toe. There's a passenger too, seated behind.
You might see. Or you might not.

Friday 19 June 2015

Detachment.

It is to you that I write. Cry, complain, rant. To you that I come back when the cruel hands of reality push me away, when I am thrust to the uncanny harshness of this world. My heart seeks comfort in you when my dreams are shattered and my wings are clipped. When love abandons me, and all I am left with are vestiges of a choking solitude , I crawl back to you..The disturbing chaos renders me perplexed as I walk away, tracing back my steps towards you.
I keep crossing oceans for people who wouldn't jump across a puddle for me..yet I repeat history, unrelenting and unnerved. Because you have taught me to give, without expectations and recompense..it is why I beget none, and nor am I begotten. You have taught me not to regret and procrastinate, for I cannot turn time around. I have learned, that to see stars we need darkness..
I shall despise you for a moment and then love you back with all the bits and pieces.
It is I, the serene waves and I, the violent waters..You either have both,
or none at all...and whoever you are, wherever you may be, if I am a necessity and not an option, a privilege and not just a disposable means of dependance, I promise you nothing but compassion. Nothing but love. 

Sometimes we make mistakes in choosing people. People whom we grant unheralded rights, unrestricted influence.We give them more than they deserve, in overwhelming quantities and without careful consideration. But it is these very people who turn our backs to us when we need them the most, when we expect a shoulder, a hug or words of comfort. Their pronounced ignorance will bewilder you, and break you from inside. But whenever such things happen, whom do we turn to?
Our exalted Lord. Who sustains and who cherishes. 
Detachment doesn't mean that you own anything, but nothing owns you...
Lower your expectations from people. They are flawed and so are you.
Detach yourself, and ease will come naturally..

Wednesday 17 June 2015

Only then..

What is it that you see beyond that which I have not seen?
A sea of turmoil, or an apocalyptic torrent ?
Or maybe a typhoon which ceases to subside..
An blizzard in the frozen tundra, a sandstorm amidst that Sahara..
I see, I feel and I witness..destruction in the making..
I seek peace in devastation, silence in chaos, serenity in pandemonium..
I find flamboyance in simplicity..boldness in banality..and healing in pain..
 While you are enslaved  by facades , pretenses and masks..
I observe what lies beneath veils of falsehood and artifice..
When you are entranced by beauty that is temporary..
I look for grace more long lasting, infinite..
Indeed our eyes see the same..but our minds portray differently.

Not vanity and splendor, not in superfluousness and extravagance..
But in moderation and austerity that I solicit comfort..
Solace is what I seek and not your pity..
And have mercy if you may, when I come to you..
For I have for once, lost my most precious..
Return it if you will please, for I will no longer beg..
Finders are keepers are they not?
Because I have left the whispers of my heart unheard..
You may listen and decipher them as you wish..
Yet I must plead , that you will give it back..
And whatever was mine, shall be mine again..
Only then you will see beyond that which I have not seen..

Sunday 14 June 2015

Unfinished

Complicated. A very simple, lucid way to describe something you cannot fathom. Or maybe something that you don't want to understand. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. A famous author once postulated-'' The happiest person in this universe is the one who chooses to remain in the dark ''. Being enlightened about what makes this world around you tick, doesn't help ultimately. Disappointment awaits your discovery, and in extreme cases you might just lose interest in living when you finally realize that everything is unfair. Unjustified. Illogical. Because the world is not a wish granting factory o naive soul. It's a wasteland of lost dreams and illusions. 
We often wonder why things happen the way they happen. We wish we could undo, rewind a lot of regrettable incidents, hasty decisions and acts of imprudence. But what we forget is that each and every experience that we encounter, from the most insignificant, inconsequential ones to the most dramatic turning points, has a purpose. Questioning something premeditated is almost like asking why the sky is not pink instead of azure. If something was fated to happen it will, no matter how impossible or improbable it might seem. You may be the world's biggest dominating tyrant, but when it comes to fate, you might as well discard the i-shall-dictate-everything avatar, because one can never control the unforeseen. Nor predict it.  So the countless  times you've  felt  empty and dejected  for not being  able to make it, do it, finish  it or accomplish  it, know that not every story needs to have an ending...Some are better  off without  one...












Saturday 13 June 2015

Welcome..

They lay on the olive green blades of grass, undulating in the spring breeze caressing the lush green meadow. The air was intoxicated by the diffusing fragrance of gladiolas, lilies and a handful of other floras, and a flock of canaries chirruped on a nearby mahogany. Their interlocked fingers separated for a split second, as he disentangled a golden brown leaf from her dark black tresses. Brushing the dead leaf away, he glanced at her. She was grinning furtively, as if amused by some secret joke. He asked, intrigued ,'' You look highly entertained'', he inquired with a half puzzled, half curious expression.
She tucked few of her rebellious strands behind her ears, as her lips curled up in an even more mysterious smile, 'I won't tell, obviously'', and winked, mischievously.
Undeterred he pressed on, 'you know you shouldn't be keeping secrets from your other half. It's a crime', he smirked, his eyebrows arched in an ersatz indignation.
She giggled and her charcoal eyes danced playfully, ' Oh I'm going to believe that am I?. Tsk, Tsk, not convincing enough .''
He sighed, simulating disappointment, ''Well I'll just have to accomplish it the hard way then.,' and grabbed her around the waist.
She burst into peels of laughter. Squealing at the top of her lungs, she tried to struggle free, in vain albeit, as his strong, sinewy wrists  had found that one  vulnerable point on her pelvis. Guffawing boisterously, she finally succumbed to his 'harassment'. ''okay fine I'll tell you''.
He stopped abruptly, and imitated a posture of rapt attentiveness, ' Yes,go on'', not taking his eyes off her breathtaking visage.
'I was actually thinking ummm..,' she fumbled with words, as her face turned deep crimson, in embarrassment. ''You know,'' she stammered ,'' kids''.. she finished her sentence with great difficulty, and stole a brief glance at his face.
It was not bewilderment, not shock. Not amusement, not disbelief.
All she saw were a pair of eyes radiating warmth and affection. Unconditional and unbounded..
 The sky was was a bright, delinquent orange, and red..as twilight approached like a fugitive..
While two hearts shared an enchanting silence..
She woke up with a start. It was over.
Welcome chaos. 

Thursday 21 May 2015

MY CHOICE ? ..Really? ..

It's strange how supposed 'celebrities' can give birth to almost anything and everything contentiousness and controversial. The moment one consensually becomes a public figure, his/her actions,opinions and choices is suddenly an issue of utmost importance, enough to create ripples in social and electronic media. However what is more perplexing is how their often distorted views can manipulate and even incite the masses. Their portrayal of reality, of what must be considered as ideal or essentially right, or how the society must function - isn't necessarily always right. Every human being, irrespective of cast, creed, race and religion has the dignity to express themselves freely, as per the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. However when such a  freedom of expression becomes hegemonic rather than a question of preference, it certainly can no longer be considered as simply 'the liberty to speak'. Influence is an  unconscious bondage by which we are inadvertently enslaved. Especially when a certain individual or entity is aware of the recognition and limelight that he/she receives, responsibility is an additional burden one is liable to carry. Acting, speaking, behaving responsibly is crucial, because unfortunately, people don't think twice before imitating or emulating them, forgetting that 'stardom' doesn't necessarily make these people any less flawed or any more perfect.
A recent short film that went unmistakably viral on Youtube and other synonymous social networking sites, starring a famous Bollywood celeb compels me today to clarify certain things for my sake, and I must say I had to devote a lot of time on pondering over how I should set my priorities straight. It was plainly out of sheer curiosity that I watched it, and although I am guilty of a somewhat prolonged and delayed reaction to this ( note that the video was released almost 2 months back), nevertheless I am still reeling from the shock of its sheer blatancy. The almost 3 minute documentary shook me to the core, utterly and completely.
The video titled  My Choice' depicts 98 women (  including that actress) along with  background narration by her. One of the alarming and indelibly puzzling line from the narration could be quoted as
' My choice-to have sex outside marriage, within marriage or without'
It doesn't matter what religion you follow, or whether you're a theist or atheist. Adultery, fornication and infidelity are acts of immorality, indisputably and undeniably. Those who say that the concept of 'morality' or 'ethics' itself is subjective, are deluding themselves. The aforementioned statement degrades values like trust and commitment, and openly ridicules the sanctity of matrimony. It is not a question of choice, whether or not a woman wants to indulge in sexual exploits, but whether she wants to label herself as 'promiscuous'. If every mother was to follow such a 'liberating' lifestyle as per the actresses' words, what kind of example is she setting for her daughter or her grandchildren? That it is 'okay' to be unchaste and immodest, that she can share a physical relationship with just any libidinous man who wants to lay her? That she need not be faithful to her husband, and do whatever pleases her?
If that is so, does a woman have the right to chastise her partner embroiled in extramarital affairs? Men and woman should be treated equally right? So why the discrimination ? It's HIS choice isn't it?
If you choose to to treat your body as a 'consumable' or ' disposable' commodity, if you choose to objectify yourself, if you choose to wear skimpy and explicit clothing, just for the sake of  social acceptance or appreciation , then I'd say you should 'un'choose the desire to be treated with respect. Learn to respect yourself, your body , your sexuality before commanding it from others. A woman dressed modestly is like a pearl in a shell? Do you know why?
Because all valuable, and precious things deserve to be protected and guarded fiercely.
Your body has not been created for public display, neither exposure. True value of beauty lies in its mystery, its aura. Once you flaunt it, it's no longer priceless. Because you've just paid a price for it.
'' And tell the believing men to lower their gaze and be modest. Because that is purer for them..''- An Nur ( 30-31).
Islam calls for a man to treat a woman with the highest possible degree of honor and respect, and cast away their glances, when faced with temptation. So before you start to argue over how Islam is 'biased' or 'prejudiced' and enforces draconian rules on women, know that it puts the onus on a man, and not a woman. An ogling man is the one at fault, regardless of whether the woman is wearing a dupatta or not.
But isn't it your responsibility too?  If you want that man to look at you with eyes of respect and not lust,that is your choice.
Your choice to educate yourself, to empower yourself, to walk with your head held high, to compete with your male counterparts for excellence and recognition. Your choice to set benchmarks, to fight the stereotypes of  complexion, weight and size. Beauty begins with you. You dont need anyone else to tell you that.
And that is MY CHOICE..

Wednesday 6 May 2015

Misguided Emotions..

Is it okay to cry when you cannot even comprehend the reason behind those big fat tears?..
Is it okay to be blatantly ignorant of reality even when it's knocking at your door?..
Is it alright if you're frightened and apprehensive for nothing?..Is it okay to fear the unseen, the unpredictable?..
Is it okay to be regretful even if it was never your fault? To feel burdened with an elephantine guilt?..
To crave for a cup of coffee that will never be yours?  To desire the unguarded, uninhibited...
To defy, to destroy..to rebuild, to reconcile?..To love to, despise..to repel..to ensnare?..
Human beings are one of the most complex organisms that tread this earth..
 And I've learned it the hard way..

Sunday 3 May 2015

A Doughnut..

I don't really know what to write about at this moment. What else can you do, other than sitting and brooding in a dark corner, when your thoughts halt, and your mind is in a state of indolence? The words refuse to cascade to the tips of your pen( in  this case,the buttons of my laptop keyboard) , as they loiter around in my brain, disoriented and disorganized. Fragmented, like tufts of cloud, I try to reach out and unite all under a single umbrella. I fail miserably, and curse le disobedient mind. Some days are probably meant to be obnoxiously unproductive, I assume. You shed off the workaholic avatar, and for a day, you're just like any other lackadaisical lazy bones. You're diagnosed with clinomania ( for those who don't know, it's the scientific name given to the desire to lie in a bed all day) and all you want is to disappear under those blankets. You're a misanthrope suddenly and the sight of homo Sapiens repel you, and you feel like digging a tunnel and hiding there. It's a strange feeling, a limbo between escapism and disillusionment. The realization that you've been living vicariously all this while-lying through your teeth when you said you didn't want that chocolate bar,while silently giving in to the fear of gaining a few extra pounds Or maybe regretting not indulging in that doughnut when it sat there in your fridge, before someone scarpered away with it. It's not weird to get gastronomic cravings at the middle of the night, but when you scavenge for food and all you get is an almost empty refrigerator housing a  lone standing bowl of yellowish curry, life appears bleak at that moment. And your expression. Synonymous to those droopy-face emoticons.
Life is a doughnut. It encircles you from all directions, but holds nothing within, like the empty circular space in the middle. .
 I wish someone would buy me one right now..:'(

Monday 27 April 2015

A Moment...

A moment is all you need..to realize that Benedict Cumberbatch or Emma Watson is light years away from you..like Andromeda or Polaris..so there's no use lamenting over a pseudo-paramour..He'll never be yours.Period.

A moment is all you need to know that all those moments of silence led to nothing but a wasteland of lost love..As 500 days of summer quoted-''Some people are meant to fall in love, but not spend the rest of their lives together''. Yes, the truth is always bitter. But in the end, life goes on with or without some people. You just have to let go sometimes. There's no way out.

A moment is all you need to discern that the deeper you fall, the deeper the wound. So swallowing your pride isn't always prudent. It's okay to be egotistical, conceited at times. Loving yourself doesn't make you vain or selfish, but indestructible. So until the next time you get too carried away  by this strange overwhelming feeling of possessiveness or insecurity, know that it will yield nothing but an emptiness and vacuum someday. It's something like gambling. You put everything at risk for a temporal gain. And in the end, you're the one on the losing end. The strangest bit?
You still gave up every iota, in full sanity..Humans, I tell you..so utterly byzantine..

Then again, a moment is all you need to witness the joy of giving, of being selfless. Being yourself, just for a moment, in a world constantly trying to fit you in molds of different shapes and sizes.The reassurance of a warm hug, a beautiful smile, a penetrating gaze, of three simple, uncomplicated words-
It'll be okay..
It all takes a moment..

A moment to have a penchant for dark,black caffeine, for toast and cheese. For huge,furry dogs. For timid, cuddly cats. It takes less than a moment to realize Nutella is happiness in a jar. :)

But also a moment to know that every breathe you take, every dream you conjure, every tear you shed, every smile you smile..
Every time you succeed, every time you fail..
could be your last..the last time you respired, the last time your heart broke, the last time you looked at the first monsoon raindrops cascading on your window panes  and whispered, Alhamdulillah..
This life is but a moment..
Now you decide what to make of it..


Wednesday 22 April 2015

Untitled emotions..

Sometimes you're so confused about how you feel. A moment ago everything is flawless , picture perfect. Youre the happiest person in the whole wide world, most loved and most cherished. The world revolves around you and you cannot help but smile blissfully. perfect......


and yet  so insanely imperfect....





Monday 20 April 2015

One of these Days..

One of these days you will wonder how such atrocious events can possibly occur in your city. In the city you live, that very familiar, 'glitzy', 'glamorous' metropolitan where you get roasted, aromatic coffee beans in some posh, upscale cafe or bistro, where you can go all formula 1 with your Lancer in the empty streets during Eid, where material living standards have sky rocketed over the last few decades.But where poverty and fiscal might  co-exists with such a glaring contrast, you wonder whether the facade of social and economic tapestry is just a farce, a hoax-like illusion at times. Somewhere in the dark, dingy serpentine allies a child is born to descend the throne of the next drug lord or the underworld don, renouncing his right to sit in a classroom and gape at calculus equations scribbled on the blackboard. Somewhere an extortionist, a rapist, a psychopath, a murderer gains an identity, and the very mention of their names will send shivers down your spine. They will smile innocently, lend you a shoulder when you need one, listen to all  your plights with empathetic expressions and slowly, gradually will tighten their grip on you. They are like parasites, feeding on the despondent, helpless and powerless, until they start to exercise ownership rights on your soul and body. You are no longer you. You area  pawn in a deadly game of vengeance...
And then are those who where born without a heart, without a conscience. Those who lustfully ogle when a woman walks past, who whistle like intoxicated canines at the sight of flesh, whose libidinous stares are 10 times more penetrating and pervasive than X-rays. You endure them, muffle their salacious taunts by covering your ears, ignore their presence..
Until the predators pounce on an unassuming you one day..grope,molest, harass, assault...
They will encircle you like beasts corner their prey..You will scream, wail, plead and attempt to flee..
 Hordes of curious onlookers will surround you..impotent enough to not sway from their spots..
And only then will you realize how sickeningly grotesque the world around you is...


Friday 10 April 2015

Escape..

Sometimes you're just not in the mood to smile. Nothing happened, nobody agitated you, you didn't fight with your best friend, the toaster didn't burn your bread, and the weather is perfect- yet forcing your lips to emulate that ''smiley'' emoticon takes a lot more effort than usual. You look at the mirror and all you see is a frowning, grumpy and surly looking visage that triggers irritation of the atrocious kind. Scream, rip, tear, destroy...all you want to do is vanquish whoever and whatever is around you. You're suddenly a hardcore misanthrope. You take deep breaths to assuage that temper, but all you release is exhaust fumes, like a fire-breathing dragon. Even the most appetizing food  tastes unpalatable, and you could easily dispose that packet of oreo you were hoarding for so long. A  highly  flammable specimen or maybe a combustible tinderbox. That's what you are- a wounded lion ready to pounce on a poor victim.
doesn't matter if you're unable to identify what made you so resentful, so vindictive. Doesn't matter that right now all you want to do is dig a grave and bury yourself. Or maybe hide in a dense forest like an absconding criminal. Doesn't matter that every minute crawls like an eternity..
What matters is that you're humane enough so as to not unleash a rampage on those people around you..
Those who will tolerate every onslaught like nothing happened. Those who will embrace every act of irascibility, all sorts of abrasiveness..Those who will stick through the entire session of  'i-hate-everyhthing-' and will dare not leave when you utter those two cruel words. GET LOST..
Because some people deserve better, than be on the receiving end of your wrath..
Because they love you no matter what, and will stand by, like that lonely street lamp, glowing in the foreboding darkness..
Because once the words escape, you cannot take them back..
So hurt them not, for some words are sharper than daggers...
And because some wounds..never heal...

Tuesday 7 April 2015

The One..

Emotions. It's astounding how a single word encapsulates the gazillions of feelings that the human heart witnesses every modicum, every fraction of a millisecond-sometimes as transient as a gusty autumn breeze or as perpetuating as the aftereffects of a typhoon ; sometimes profound and sometimes superficial. Immeasurable and  incomparable by any form of measurement, it is the manipulation and influence of these very emotions that distinguishes us from other species. The reason why we  cannot abandon our offspring when they reach a certain level of maturity like birds do when their nestlings learn to fly, let alone cause them any physical harm whereas some reptiles and crustaceans are known to consume their eggs in certain cases.
Not only because we have been blessed with astonishingly active cerebrums, cerebellums and medulla oblongata of highest levels of functionality, but because we posses the power to love, protect , dote, care and support. Most animals are capable of the  aforementioned displays of affection, but even their reciprocation have certain limitations and inadequacies in terms of depth and longevity. There are some emotions which are unquestionably and exclusively imprescriptible, traits and characteristics we do not share with others. One of the most purest, unadulterated and divine of them is motherhood.
How do you define the relationship that a mother shares with her child?  Well if one is as impertinent enough to even attempt to express it in mere words, it would nonetheless be a futile attempt as explaining why the sun set in the west.  Such a natural, intrinsic human behavior cannot be subjected to questioning or doubt or any form of investigation, because it is probably the one and only bond that is indefinitely selfless and devoid of expectation. The moment a woman gives birth to an elongated part of her own body, she is magically bound  to the tiny living and breathing  piece of pink flesh and skin  till her last breath. It is a contract without any clause, without any condition and unassociated to expiration or exhaustion. A child is  undoubtedly an inseparable appendage to a woman's existence.One that he/she  can neither denounce nor deny, no matter what the circumstances may be.
Your pacifier, your guardian angel, your punchbag..and your last resort when the selfish world deserts you..
Your mother who stands like a shield in times of adversity, embraces like a girdle when the brunt of misery assails you and sacrifices unblinkingly even if her hands are empty..The one who has sustained you, cherished you, endured you and enveloped you for 36 weeks, combating physical discomfort and bone-crushing pain..
The one who saw your itsy-bitsy frail toes and fingers grow, who squealed with elation when you took took the first tentative steps, cried like an infant when you ailed,..and smiled when happiness kissed your feet..
The one who tolerates every bit of your irascibility, tantrums, complaints and dissatisfaction..
The one person who is more than  just indispensable and irreplaceable..
The One,,and the only.. 

Wednesday 18 March 2015

Pursuit of Happiness..

Mistakes. The most dreaded feeling in this world is the realization that you've erred. That the 'perfectionist' tagline is just a farce and no human being in this whole wide universe is capable of being  infallible. It's not just how we interpret human emotions, but whether we make the mistake of misinterpreting them. Human beings are a complex species, possessing the deadly combination of a dynamic brain and an impulsive heart.  One that wants to soar like a bird and sing like a canary one moment, and strangulate some other poor counterpart the next. Sheer unpredictability and non-uniformity are inseparable characteristics of f us fickle   humans. You never know what to expect the next moment, like a box of assorted chocolates. For me, it's emblematic of receiving the favorite fruit and nut filling, only to be preceded by a glutinous caramel or praline one, much to the disappointment of taste buds. Incommensurable. Yes.That's exactly what we are. Beyond translation, beyond comparison. And beyond comprehension.
Treachery and betrayal makes us realize our mistake in reading people, in choosing our companions. Now we don't get to choose when it comes to kindred and filial relationships, but we certainly do have a say in determining our friends and foes. But sometimes, seeing through facades and deceptions can prove difficult. So there goes the first mistake. Not being able to construe  the fake smiles and tears.
Then comes the greatest folly of all. The mistake of permitting yourself to be treated  like a disposable trash or waste-paper basket. If you want others to respect you, give them something to respect. Value yourself, your intelligence, your intellect and knowledge. Those you judge you on the basis of your physical attributes and genetically transmitted physiological traits, do NOT love you.
''And if they loved you, they would not invite you to sin''
It is certainly not about looking stylish, sensuous and suave. It's about modesty, moderation and magnificence. Your figure hugging clothes will only arouse temporal curiosity, but just for a moment. The next second, you're nothing but an old rerun. Repetitive and mundane.
And last but not the least, the mistake of dependance. Depending on individuals who will never understand your need, who take you for granted. Who will never jump across a puddle for you, but for whom you are prepared to cross oceans and seas. Don't degrade yourself by asserting your affection. They probably don't deserve it at all.
But if by the strange calculations of fate, you do come across someone  as simple and uncomplicated as ABC yet mystifying like calculus, who will complete your sentences before the words even escape your lips, whose tongue will  give a taste of his beautiful heart, who is undaunted by the prospect of waking up to a drooling, open mouthed zombie with twig shaped hair strands every morning..
Who cherishes, sustains and completes you.
Who will treat you like his queen when you no longer look like one.
Who will safeguard your smile, be it wrinkly.
Don't let go. But remember,
''Happiness lies inside you.Not with someone else''
That is your pursuit of happiness.

Saturday 14 March 2015

War..



Amidst the maundering silence
And the lingering darkness..
In delirious dreams..
 The surreptitious silhouettes..
Slowly, creep into the subconscious
Like an infant taking first steps..
I dare not unite my eyelashes
For I fear what awaits..
‘’Behold!’’, commands the heart
Let me cast my enchantment once O archrival brain..
 For the draught of living death works wonders..
Pacifies the turbulent mind..
But ignites the dispassionate soul..
Night befalls, and placates the universe..
And that is when I witness          
The chaotic tussle..
Between two titans..
The unconquerable soul
Versus the invincible mind..
Between logic..
And the blinders of an unwanted emotion..

‘’I win’’, proclaims the heart after awhile
As the mind humbly succumbs..
Only to rise again..





Tuesday 10 March 2015

Teaser 2..



She was taking a leisurely stroll down the sandy sea shore, as the waves caressed her sand infested feet. The  wintry breeze pierced her like ice cold daggers, and she rubbed her hands once and while, while chattering amidst the biting cold. It was almost twilight and the sun was slowly making its way down the horizon, leaving a trail of blazing vermillion in the sky. The cumulus clouds made way for the last few rays of sunlight for the day, bathing the sea shore in a golden orange light. it wasn’t anything like she had ever seen before. waking up  at dawn with sleep ridden eyes  not something she really enjoyed, but her parents insisted on watching the sun rise every morning, so it was mandatory to accompany  them while they reveled in natures bountiful splendors. Sunset was far more appealing to her, as she could savor the unearthly beauty when her body wouldn’t crave for a few more hours of sleep.
She could faintly discern the miniscule lights that glowed far away from the sea shore, from where she could the larger waves undulating, not that far away from the sinking sun itself. They were hundreds of nautical miles away, looking like tiny fire flies from she stood. The source of the lights as she had learned from her father, were the  cluster of marine ships that were anchored in that particular zone.
She sometimes thought of the sailors, in the ship, and what they might be doing, cast far away from dry land. Whether they felt lonely and sea sick, or whether they missed their families and loved ones. She wondered if she could survive in a place like that, isolated and alone, in the middle of nowhere, and  wherever her eyes went, all she would see was the dark blue-black waters. 
She could  almost smell the salinity  that lingered in the air. A group of people were probably doing  a barbeque somewhere nearby, and she caught the faint scent scent of sauteed meat.  She suddenly felt hunger pangs kick in, and ruminated on not having a proper lunch. They had eaten at a local restaurant, and  the meal consisted of seafood. Fish never evoked her appetite. 
It was the 3rd day of their trip and she was already yearning to leave. She loved the beach, loitering around the shores, watching mom and dad banter sitting on their favorite plimsolls, waking up to the  icy wind lapping at her face, sightseeing the tourist destinations  where mom could haggle to her heart’s content over a  pair of sandals.
She loved the place, its aura and idyllic scenes. And yet…
Leaving behind the bustling metropolitan was easy. Actually, she had wanted to get away from the city, the moment she heard her parents were planning a holiday. The dreadful exams were finally over, assignments and projects wrapped up and submitted and she could finally breathe. At least for the next 3 weeks till 5th semester commenced. Immense relief was what she felt, after writing the very last word in her exam script.  no more stressing over deadlines,  fussing over nitty gritty details and rushing to library and photocopy machines. At least for the time being. 
But then again the city had its own magnetism.  Polluted, overcrowded, fast paced , yes.
But it was also home. Her only  abode.  A safe haven  to return to after a long tiring day.
She missed him a lot. The men’s hair salon in front of their  resort had a poster of  a model on its entrance, and his hairstyle reminded of him. Slightly tousled, and unkempt, but stylish at the same time.  She saw an exact same  hoodie she had seen him wearing at a shop mom had dragged her to,  navy blue with ‘’why so serious?’’ written in white on the front.
Almost everything she saw, inexplicably  reminded her of bits and pieces of him.
She remembered reading somewhere, love and lust were two disparate feelings. Lust was something instantaneous, a temporary attraction to the opposite sex, solely based on their appearance.
Whereas love was something deep, profound and subtle.
Yes, she liked men who knew how to be subtle. But he was nowhere near that.
Sometimes she was perplexed by his actions, his words. He could sound so nonchalant, like a flippant.
But even she couldn’t deny the fact that at times he stared at her like he could see everything inside her heart. Like she could keep no secrets from her.  and she was fully aware that her best friend didn’t lie either.
He was so hard to read. Like some arcane Gallic scripture, she scoffed.
‘’ Laila, its getting dark, come inside’’, mom called out from the balcony.
Inhaling the salty air last time for the evening , she traipsed along the sandy pathway, back to the hotel.