I knew,,

I know. I know that I lied. I deceived. I know I pretended to be indifferent when I was being torn to pieces in the inside. I smiled while my heart wailed. I laughed when it mourned. I simulated normalcy when I knew I was fighting a long lost battle. I knew. I always did.

I faked courage when I was fragile. I concealed everything, when I possessed nothing. I was alive and had died again and again. But I knew. I always did.

Pain which is meant to be truly mine, sufferings whose burden I can never share. I have felt them just the way blood rushes in my veins, the way my heart palpitates, the way I breathe and the way I live. But they were never mine you see. They will never be my own. I realize that I have lived all those moments vicariously, like a parasite feeding off. I have felt emotions which were never mine, and now I must give it all back.  But I knew. I always did.

Yet I walked in with my eyes wide open, in all my consciousness. Perhaps I wished to delude myself for a moment. But I daresay I forgot. I forgot that a moment never lasted for an eternity. They will retreat. Just like waves merely caressing the sea shore.

And now before I finally, truly depart, now that I’ve stopped running away and now that I’ve come to my senses, I will for the very first and last time, speak what I have never spoken.

I have loved you, in a way I have never loved anyone else and nor I will I ever love someone the way I have loved you. Like a silent, unspoken bondage I was yours.

And because I loved you once, I shall release both of us from its chains. Once and for all.

You see, I was a moth drawn to its doom. The moth that was so blatantly magnetized by the perilous fire that would do nothing but extinguish it. I  was prepared to burn, to be perished.

All for the sake of something which was never mine.

But even if I was granted a hundred lifetimes, a hundred infinities.

I shall, irrevocably and inexplicably choose you.

But do know,

 I knew. I always did.