Pain

A few syllables. An untidily scrawled word. Maybe a phrase. Or a few sentences sewn together like a sonnet.

Maybe broken shards of glass. Maybe music that suddenly fills a void, breaking an unnatural, uncanny silence.

Perhaps an image or a figure. A fragrance that lingers. Or a delicious aroma. A page from an unforgettable book, or the first rays of dawn.

It can be anything. Anything that is a reminiscent of what you left behind. Like a fallen feather from a bird that has long eluded captivity, the moments resurface. They flicker feebly as if alive, disseminating a momentary warmth in the frozen tundra.

You feel time rewinding itself, and the hourglass turned upside down. The tears pour silently as you try to hold yourself from falling apart once again and draw quick gasps of breath.

Equanimity settles in after a moment or two. From across, you stare at the reflection in the mirror. Pain etched across the desolate face.

Pain that will recur..

Pain with a palliative..

But pain without healing..

I knew,,

I know. I know that I lied. I deceived. I know I pretended to be indifferent when I was being torn to pieces in the inside. I smiled while my heart wailed. I laughed when it mourned. I simulated normalcy when I knew I was fighting a long lost battle. I knew. I always did.

I faked courage when I was fragile. I concealed everything, when I possessed nothing. I was alive and had died again and again. But I knew. I always did.

Pain which is meant to be truly mine, sufferings whose burden I can never share. I have felt them just the way blood rushes in my veins, the way my heart palpitates, the way I breathe and the way I live. But they were never mine you see. They will never be my own. I realize that I have lived all those moments vicariously, like a parasite feeding off. I have felt emotions which were never mine, and now I must give it all back.  But I knew. I always did.

Yet I walked in with my eyes wide open, in all my consciousness. Perhaps I wished to delude myself for a moment. But I daresay I forgot. I forgot that a moment never lasted for an eternity. They will retreat. Just like waves merely caressing the sea shore.

And now before I finally, truly depart, now that I’ve stopped running away and now that I’ve come to my senses, I will for the very first and last time, speak what I have never spoken.

I have loved you, in a way I have never loved anyone else and nor I will I ever love someone the way I have loved you. Like a silent, unspoken bondage I was yours.

And because I loved you once, I shall release both of us from its chains. Once and for all.

You see, I was a moth drawn to its doom. The moth that was so blatantly magnetized by the perilous fire that would do nothing but extinguish it. I  was prepared to burn, to be perished.

All for the sake of something which was never mine.

But even if I was granted a hundred lifetimes, a hundred infinities.

I shall, irrevocably and inexplicably choose you.

But do know,

 I knew. I always did.

MIght ?..

You know it isn't a surprise when you wake up after a long afternoon nap ( ignore the contradiction of  a 'long' nap, because mine almost always are ) thoroughly disconcerted and desolate. If you happen to be 'fortunate' enough to belong to a nuclear family, and at the same  be 'blessed' with working parents, you'll perhaps be very well acquainted with such a phenomena, and I daresay such prolonged hours of solitude are likely to be depressing and mundane. Staying enclosed in the wee hours of daylight, and looking at pictures of people  on your social networking site thoroughly enjoying their holidays at exotic locations is not at all pleasing to the eye and  the friend who so ostentatiously posted a photo of himself  herself paragliding,  bungee jumping , snorkeling or simply having a great time is bound to invoke pangs of envy and longing, if not aggravate your resentment. Wondering why you aren't out there globe trotting or conquering the world and contemplating repeatedly over your mysterious  anti-social behavior will simply exacerbate the feeling of dejection, coupled with the resigned realization that you are indeed, not equipped with the skills of a socialite, and might as well watch the rest of your life waste away while your peers move on to bigger and better dreams. Or so you may think.
Part with your bed or beloved couch for a while and get dressed. Take a walk down the street. A few strides forward, and you'll see the shanty on the pavement, with a huge plastic sheet or scraps of polythene congealed to form a 'roof' . Two children wearing  extremely dirty shabby, patched clothes are playing with rocks afar, and if you wait and watch you might just detect the glee in their faces as their mother beckons them for lunch-a concoction of rice and lentils. The little faces brighten with anticipation. Today is a special day, because for once, their meal doesn't comprise of plain rice, with nothing to accompany it.
Now if your legs may permit, trudge a little further and you encounter the busy traffic on the main road. Amidst the barrage of cars and buses speeding away, you see blurry outline of a policeman stationed right there, and just as you are about to turn away, your eyes might just come across the dark, murky waters almost submerging his knees. You remember it's monsoon and thanks to the amazing sewerage system  the roads  are converted to channels and Venetian canals . But of course you wouldn't know how it feels to be wading the contaminated waters for hours at a stretch do you ?
Oh it just started to rain. As you run in the opposite direction, towards home, you might just see a rickshaw puller pedaling away furiously, as the downpour drenches him from head to toe. There's a passenger too, seated behind.
You might see. Or you might not.

Detachment.

It is to you that I write. Cry, complain, rant. To you that I come back when the cruel hands of reality push me away, when I am thrust to the uncanny harshness of this world. My heart seeks comfort in you when my dreams are shattered and my wings are clipped. When love abandons me, and all I am left with are vestiges of a choking solitude , I crawl back to you..The disturbing chaos renders me perplexed as I walk away, tracing back my steps towards you.
I keep crossing oceans for people who wouldn't jump across a puddle for me..yet I repeat history, unrelenting and unnerved. Because you have taught me to give, without expectations and recompense..it is why I beget none, and nor am I begotten. You have taught me not to regret and procrastinate, for I cannot turn time around. I have learned, that to see stars we need darkness..
I shall despise you for a moment and then love you back with all the bits and pieces.
It is I, the serene waves and I, the violent waters..You either have both,
or none at all...and whoever you are, wherever you may be, if I am a necessity and not an option, a privilege and not just a disposable means of dependance, I promise you nothing but compassion. Nothing but love. 
Sometimes we make mistakes in choosing people. People whom we grant unheralded rights, unrestricted influence.We give them more than they deserve, in overwhelming quantities and without careful consideration. But it is these very people who turn our backs to us when we need them the most, when we expect a shoulder, a hug or words of comfort. Their pronounced ignorance will bewilder you, and break you from inside. But whenever such things happen, whom do we turn to?
Our exalted Lord. Who sustains and who cherishes. 
Detachment doesn't mean that you own anything, but nothing owns you...
Lower your expectations from people. They are flawed and so are you.
Detach yourself, and ease will come naturally..

Only then..

What is it that you see beyond that which I have not seen?
A sea of turmoil, or an apocalyptic torrent ?
Or maybe a typhoon which ceases to subside..
An blizzard in the frozen tundra, a sandstorm amidst that Sahara..
I see, I feel and I witness..destruction in the making..
I seek peace in devastation, silence in chaos, serenity in pandemonium..
I find flamboyance in simplicity..boldness in banality..and healing in pain..
 While you are enslaved  by facades , pretenses and masks..
I observe what lies beneath veils of falsehood and artifice..
When you are entranced by beauty that is temporary..
I look for grace more long lasting, infinite..
Indeed our eyes see the same..but our minds portray differently.

Not vanity and splendor, not in superfluousness and extravagance..
But in moderation and austerity that I solicit comfort..
Solace is what I seek and not your pity..
And have mercy if you may, when I come to you..
For I have for once, lost my most precious..
Return it if you will please, for I will no longer beg..
Finders are keepers are they not?
Because I have left the whispers of my heart unheard..
You may listen and decipher them as you wish..
Yet I must plead , that you will give it back..
And whatever was mine, shall be mine again..
Only then you will see beyond that which I have not seen..

Unfinished

Complicated. A very simple, lucid way to describe something you cannot fathom. Or maybe something that you don't want to understand. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. A famous author once postulated-'' The happiest person in this universe is the one who chooses to remain in the dark ''. Being enlightened about what makes this world around you tick, doesn't help ultimately. Disappointment awaits your discovery, and in extreme cases you might just lose interest in living when you finally realize that everything is unfair. Unjustified. Illogical. Because the world is not a wish granting factory o naive soul. It's a wasteland of lost dreams and illusions. 
We often wonder why things happen the way they happen. We wish we could undo, rewind a lot of regrettable incidents, hasty decisions and acts of imprudence. But what we forget is that each and every experience that we encounter, from the most insignificant, inconsequential ones to the most dramatic turning points, has a purpose. Questioning something premeditated is almost like asking why the sky is not pink instead of azure. If something was fated to happen it will, no matter how impossible or improbable it might seem. You may be the world's biggest dominating tyrant, but when it comes to fate, you might as well discard the i-shall-dictate-everything avatar, because one can never control the unforeseen. Nor predict it.  So the countless  times you've  felt  empty and dejected  for not being  able to make it, do it, finish  it or accomplish  it, know that not every story needs to have an ending...Some are better  off without  one...

Welcome..

They lay on the olive green blades of grass, undulating in the spring breeze caressing the lush green meadow. The air was intoxicated by the diffusing fragrance of gladiolas, lilies and a handful of other floras, and a flock of canaries chirruped on a nearby mahogany. Their interlocked fingers separated for a split second, as he disentangled a golden brown leaf from her dark black tresses. Brushing the dead leaf away, he glanced at her. She was grinning furtively, as if amused by some secret joke. He asked, intrigued ,'' You look highly entertained'', he inquired with a half puzzled, half curious expression.
She tucked few of her rebellious strands behind her ears, as her lips curled up in an even more mysterious smile, 'I won't tell, obviously'', and winked, mischievously.
Undeterred he pressed on, 'you know you shouldn't be keeping secrets from your other half. It's a crime', he smirked, his eyebrows arched in an ersatz indignation.
She giggled and her charcoal eyes danced playfully, ' Oh I'm going to believe that am I?. Tsk, Tsk, not convincing enough .''
He sighed, simulating disappointment, ''Well I'll just have to accomplish it the hard way then.,' and grabbed her around the waist.
She burst into peels of laughter. Squealing at the top of her lungs, she tried to struggle free, in vain albeit, as his strong, sinewy wrists  had found that one  vulnerable point on her pelvis. Guffawing boisterously, she finally succumbed to his 'harassment'. ''okay fine I'll tell you''.
He stopped abruptly, and imitated a posture of rapt attentiveness, ' Yes,go on'', not taking his eyes off her breathtaking visage.
'I was actually thinking ummm..,' she fumbled with words, as her face turned deep crimson, in embarrassment. ''You know,'' she stammered ,'' kids''.. she finished her sentence with great difficulty, and stole a brief glance at his face.
It was not bewilderment, not shock. Not amusement, not disbelief.
All she saw were a pair of eyes radiating warmth and affection. Unconditional and unbounded..
 The sky was was a bright, delinquent orange, and red..as twilight approached like a fugitive..
While two hearts shared an enchanting silence..
She woke up with a start. It was over.
Welcome chaos.